the pen floweth

Know thyself

2009-04-30T09:50:00.000-06:00

"Know thyself," said the old philosopher, "improve thyself," saith the new. Our great object in time is not to waste our passions and gifts on the things external that we must leave behind, but that we cultivate within us all that we can carry into the eternal progress beyond.
Edward Bulwer-Lytton

How did I become who I am? Why am I the way I am? Who am I again? Again? For over ten years I have been obsessed with these questions, disatisfied with the answers, demanding to know and understand more about who I am. It wasn't until I read the ennegram book and discovered that I'm the 4 - Individualist that I came to realize it wasn't just me! There were others out there like me on the "search for self".

Self-Awareness

The first whisper I can remember was when I was in college. It was either Amy or Desa that said to me, "I always tell people to come to you if they really have something on their mind. That's what I do. You're deep. You can really go there, dig in, you don't just stay on the surface."

Then over dinner with my first mentors, John and Janice Baldwin, Sociologists. "I just want to understand my life purpose". She asks, "Why do you need a life purpose? What's wrong with simply living and enjoying your life?". For a long time others would say to me "why can't you just be happy being alive?" and I would try and wrestle away these urges to name and know and define my life purpose.

But it didn't stop. I know I am here for something. I know this drive is to be put to use somehow. I understand that this urge to know my self is for a higher purpose, a greater good. Because I was born with it, because I can't stop searching, because I am being called. If it were simply a passing fancy or an interest or an obsession, I would have given up long ago. But I haven't. This is who I am at the core.

If there is one thing I do know about myself is that my life purpose is to know myself. To understand me. To be a free and powerful human being. To connect with others in a deep way that allows them to expand. To inspire others along the way with the stories of my journey.

eternal return

2005-09-21T13:49:00.000-06:00

So easy to forget
the return to our one true home

this place of stillness
and being

shining like sunfire
radiant, rhythmic

fall in here, you...

losses

2005-09-09T20:47:00.000-06:00

I know

I've lost

something.

it's a good kind of loss

but it's heavy

in its passing.

rubble

2005-08-13T21:30:00.000-06:00

when it all comes down
everything falls

the flying whisps
and heaviness

from a life too full
going here and there

first the body
stops, gives sign

then all is quiet
silence

and it seems strange,
lonely somehow

to have wanted this.

how beautiful

2005-07-31T08:13:00.000-06:00

The Ascending Soul

I died a mineral and became a plant
I died a plant and became an animal
I died an animal and became a man

Why should I be afraid?
What have I ever lost in dying?

This man that I am shall one day die
to soar as an angel
and even as an angel
I shall pass on
into non-existence
returning to that which does not die

Returning to God.

-Jalaludin Rumi (17th Century Islamic Saint)

overflow

2005-06-24T23:35:00.000-06:00

it can't be helped

like a waterfall
its rushing tides

tumble

you are a draw for me
like that

return

2005-06-14T22:53:00.000-06:00

and then suddenly
I am back!
with a vengeance
of fire and storm
sweeping my way
through you
over you
into you

declare!
ignite!
be brazen you fool!

the pen does not floweth

2005-06-12T19:18:00.000-06:00

my trip to Florida slowed me down!

there is nothing to write,

so I don't write.

from the wild

2005-06-06T22:18:00.000-06:00

I am a beast
furry purring
long hair drips low under my brow
I am fierce
wet cold lie the dark night
ancient, rabid
panting

ripping into shreds

family imprint

2005-06-06T20:32:00.000-06:00

character
personality
imprint

"who we are"

what do we make
of these patterns

the family
dynamic

pauses

2005-06-06T20:30:00.000-06:00

in betwen things
there are pauses
skips
like a hiccup
a brief gap in time

there is nothing to capture
no way to hold onto those black holes
for they hold the vast
of nothingness

full moon

2005-05-23T22:52:00.000-06:00

all settles in the night
as the moon hangs low

its brightness a magnet
I am drawn to her

stirring in me
waves of abandoned emotion

spring sprouts

2005-05-22T12:33:00.000-06:00

a most beautiful thing
to watch the slow progress
of a seed planted in dirt
given a little water and sun
up it comes, reaching steadily
a vertical ascension
equal to its downward rooting
eventually popping
bud blossoms burst
sharing their alchemical gift

inventing ourselves

2005-05-21T15:33:00.000-06:00

the first inventions
our stories
they were young

I'm shy
I'm not pretty
I don't belong

and then we come
to the now
our new selves

the ones
we are
and those invented

we have to believe
our new stories,
forget the rest

MINE

2005-05-21T11:37:00.000-06:00

POSESSSION
Definition: ownership
Synonyms: control, custody, dominion, hold, mastery, occupancy, occupation, possessorship, proprietary, proprietary rights, proprietorship, retention, tenancy, tenure, title

mine
withholding
hoarding
tightwad
fair, unfair
pinch pennies
take, hide
steal.

prayer

2005-05-20T18:13:00.000-06:00

dear "god"
beautiful passionate being within me
that sourceful fire of love and joy

be with me now, and always
as I celebrate being alive
in all the sunsets
firestorms
and oceanswells

rush over me
in times unexpected and planned
strike me out of nowhere
pull me into
the heart of mankind

sexcapades

2005-05-20T07:19:00.000-06:00

escapades
in my mind
(the best kind)

tangled
being above
all legs & love

goodness gracious
(meohmy)
that's they call it pie

hug a tree for me

2005-05-18T22:16:00.000-06:00

I wrap myself around youthis thick solid totem polewanting to stay herein this one placeand not movefeeling the quiet of the forrest floor

fog

2005-05-17T21:42:00.000-06:00

everything is unclear
out of focus
walking through it

... damp
without incident
but then there were many

mostly
swimming through smoke

off the path
inside the mix

there was no one thing

understand

squeeze it tight
sponge
dripping

sameness and belonging

2005-05-17T18:25:00.000-06:00

we are more the same
than we are different

it is love we all want
the safe harbor
of another's heart
and understanding

we all want
to belong
to be at home
with each other

on the edge of quiet

2005-05-16T21:47:00.000-06:00

warm spring night

all is quiet

you can almost hear
the moon rising

the distant woosh of a plane

and this is the edge
of it all...
boredom

nothing doing
going nowhere
I am stopped
right here

and right now

I don't want to be here

whiplash

2005-05-16T13:30:00.000-06:00

bam

just when you think

everything is steady
stable

stop
time to listen again

the road

2005-05-15T22:23:00.000-06:00

where does the road lead
this little girl asked

sun falling
soft dusk
sheer light

trust me,
follow it home

circling the wagon

2005-05-14T06:31:00.000-06:00

waking
going round and round

it was a starting point

then there was nothing

then something

ah! lost again
keep trying
if I just stay with it
eventually

there is juice again

on being

2005-05-13T01:23:00.000-06:00

when you find yourself bored
alone with who you are

take a look
at those eyes
in the mirror, friend

you are no one
and everyone

be with
yourself

you know

2005-05-12T20:07:00.000-06:00

isn't this the most overused phrase?
you know?
you know!
you KNOW

knowing
no we don't

how about it
something un-known

a little less worn
than this tired pattern

spring rain

2005-05-11T08:23:00.000-06:00

the quiet
sweet
drips
remind us

we are drenching
soaking
little seeds arching

looking upward
to the sun

reality strikes a post

2005-05-11T01:13:00.000-06:00

the voo doo you do

no you don't no you didn't

watch me

dancing

in the mirror

stop
stop
doing that thing
stop it
can't you see
how you are?

why do I see!
stop stop

come here

Self-Care

2005-05-10T08:42:00.000-06:00

What is it to be gentle with ourselves?

to listen to the call of the heart
like the wind
saying...

take care of you today
be soft and gentle
generous and tender
thoughtful and kind

a gift for ourselves
a little re-charge

if

2005-05-09T20:47:00.000-06:00

what if we just believed...

raised our sights

and met the horizon

we envision?

Media Deprivation

2005-05-08T12:41:00.000-06:00

Exercise from The Artist's Way P87:

It is a paradox that by emptying our lives of distractions we are actually filling the well. Without distractions, we are once again thrust into the sensory world... reading deprivation casts us into our inner silence, a space some of us begin to immediately fill with new words - long gossipy conversations, television bingeing, the radio as a constant, chatty companion. We often cannot hear our own inner voice, the voice of our artist's inspiration, above the static... we need to cast a watchfull eye on these other pollutants. They poison the well.

If we monitor the inflow and keep it to a minimum, our reward will be a new outflow. Our own art, our own thoughts and feelings will begin to nudge aside the sludge of blockage, to loosen it and move it upward and outward until once gain our well is running freely.

A list of some things this person could do when they are not reading or internet surfing:

listen to music

start a book

knit

cook

clean

tend the garden

rearrange the closets

get the bike fixed

work out

meditate

have friends to dinner

sort the bookshelves

watercolor

work in my journal

go dancing

write a letter

learn more about tree-free paper

attempt to talk to "God"

make a list of names for my blessings

practice drawing these

catch up with old friends

listen to the wind

hike

walk outside

ride my bike

change the fish's water

hunt for good garage sales

clean out the junk drawers

bleach teeth

play with ideas for the patio transformation

shop for paint colors

affluence

2005-05-07T08:29:00.000-06:00

A plentiful supply of material goods; wealth.
A great quantity; an abundance.
A flowing to or toward a point; afflux.

Synonyms:
ampleness, bounty, copiousness, fortune, opulence, plentitude, plenty, profusion, prosperity, prosperousness, riches, wealth

prayers
stream
flow
trickle

abundant
source

wash me clean
fill me up

moisten
this dry well

2005-05-06T22:06:00.000-06:00

What are we but caterpillars spinning ourselves into a cocoon, awaiting the transformation again and again.

courage

2005-05-06T06:07:00.000-06:00

When did they first say to you,
that's not right
no good, could be better

When did you first begin to assess
have an opinion
become the judge

First there was flow, playing
trying this and that
dibble dabble

Now there is stopping
starting, not liking
oops

Try again! Give it time
and practice...

miracles

2005-05-05T06:40:00.000-06:00

I have found in life that if you want a miracle you first need to do whatever it is you can do - if that's to plant, then plant; if it is to read, then read; if it is to change, then change; if it is to study, then study; if it is to work, then work; whatever you have to do. And then you will be well on your way of doing the labor that works miracles. - Jim Rohn

Are we all just waiting for miracles?
Where do we look ~
How do we know...

Are they small and simple joys
Gold-purple-red streaked sunrise
Sweet bright springbuds

Give me your list and tell me,
What are you waiting for?
Happiness...

Be
Present
Miracles are waiting.

the loss of love

2005-05-03T09:35:00.000-06:00

In love, unlike most other passions, the recollection of what you have had and lost is always better than what you can hope for in the future.
Henri B. Stendhal

And yet the loss of love stings
especially when you are still in love
with the beautiful human being
who was yours for so long

who held you
and supported you
believed in you
cried with you

but we make choices
we make turns
and changes
to follow the heart

a difficult path
to have love
and soul connection
yet choose to leave

then watch him
fall in love
with someone else

fighting

2005-05-03T07:30:00.000-06:00

polarity

n 1: a relation between two opposite attributes or tendencies; [syn: mutual opposition] 2: having an indicated pole (as the distinction between positive and negative electric charges); "charges of opposite sign"

fighting
with myself
the reformer and the artist

riding in
on a white horse
Wonder Woman!

retracting
recoiling
withdrawing

then again
ambitious-
a visionary
in the public eye

In such a way as to be visible to the scrutiny of the people: “A career is born in public - talent in privacy” (Marilyn Monroe).

Believe in your path, your mission... be true to your purpose without hesitation, disbelief, rejection...

breathing

2005-05-02T07:05:00.000-06:00

I want to breathe again
feel the swell
of the ocean below

shooting stars
of sensation
into the openness

let the warmth
spread
and glow

secret

2005-05-01T05:38:00.000-06:00

Secret

Synonyms:
ambiguous, camouflaged, classified, closet, clouded, covered, covert, cryptic, dark, deep, disguised, hush-hush, mysterious, mystic, mystical, obscure, private, secluded, shrouded, strange, under wraps, undercover, underground, undisclosed, unenlightened, unintelligible, unknown, unpublished, unrevealed, unseen, veiled

secret secret
tell me

can I keep it?

let me probe
those eyes
wash you clean
of these lies

some
acutely buried
lost
even to ourselves

wet snow

2005-04-28T17:04:00.000-06:00

wet spring snow
heavy weight
hanging thickness
soft curves
white brilliance
reminding us
to be within

settle ourselves
deep into the root
as we wade
into summer

cover the crops!
swaddle the buds
with warm covers
tend ourselves carefully
with watchful soft eyes...